Toxic relationships can include any type of emotional or verbal abuse, that leaves you feeling isolated, without options in life, and we should not feel limited in that way in any relationship for that matter. Toxicity can be described as any type of controlling behavior, unrealistic expectation, blaming others for problems or mistakes, making you feel responsible for their feelings, rigid roles, threats of violence, or sudden mood swings, says wadvocates.org. We all want to be nurtured, loved, and supported in our relationships romantic and social, but that’s not always the case. Although there may be fighting, which is common to most relationships, that doesn’t mean that you should suffer at the hands and mind of another. According to Lillian Glass, who coined the term “Toxic People” in here 1995 book, defines a toxic relationship as a “relationship [between people who] don’t support each other, where there’s conflict and one seeks to undermine the other, where there’s competition, where there’s disrespect and a lack of cohesiveness.” Toxic relationships can be “mentally, emotionally, and … physically draining,” especially when the number of “negative moments outweigh … the positive ones.” Toxicity can occur in romantic relationships as well as “friendly, familial, and professional relationships.”
Some of us more prone to being exposed to interactions in which we feel defeated, controlled, or inadequate, and its not always the intent of others to make you feel that way, but some take advantage of our weaknesses, so it’s something to look out for. If you’re not a type A personality, go-getter, domineering, and outspoken, it can easily be the case that you wind up feeling outnumbered, if not bullied, by the demands of others for you to change or to be a certain way. We all feel as though we get groomed in that respect in our upbringing, to be a certain way, but in your 20s and 30s, for some its too late to change, so you’re better off surrounding yourself with people who come to love and appreciate you for who you are, rather than try to change you, or not respect your boundaries in life.
A relationship is a two-way street, it requires compromise, seeing eye-to-eye, love, compassion, and patience to name a few key characteristics, and it takes both of you to make that comfort happen. According to healthline.com, in a “healthy relationship,” you should be able to “make decisions together, openly discuss any problems that arise, and genuinely enjoy each other’s company.” Here are a few red flags to keep in mind along your journeys through intimacy and friendship, and note your discomfort matters, and if you can’t assert a boundary and be respected for it, then you’re better off seeking support from a more non-judgmental ear on things. This you realize the more you get to know people, who you feel comfortable opening up and talking to about what you’re feeling or thinking. Selfish people are hard to get through to, and often times we may feel unsupported by them, if you don’t have it in your heart to love them anyways and see that it’s just a default mechanism for coping through some past trauma or experience, forgivable, then think twice about who you are willing to steam roll over you in life, without apology. You know if your “needs and interests” matter they should be willing to set aside their own dilemmas in life to also be there for you, not just expect you to be there on demand for them, rain or shine, or be critical of you if you don’t feel like them. Some people carry resentments, and this may manifest in forms of disrespect, and you’ll hear it in their tone, expecting you to be well happy or doing well in life, and unempathectic should you struggle in life. Many are avoidant too, around when you are busy and preoccupied demanding, and not around in the event that you are not doing well, we call them “fairweather” friends, and you can’t blame people for being selective over their time and attention. Some just assume that where there is a struggle there is problem, and when there is disability or some underlying issue, only think about themselves, as though they should feel purposefully affected by your dilemmas in life, a true friend will provide more reassurances than doubts.
Given the times people expect a lot, and they may be unusually demanding of your time and attention. I feel like people expect to be helped more than they are able to help themselves, and you wonder what the issue is. There is no secret to life, it’s something we all have to figure out for ourselves, how to feel stable, reassured in life, like things are going well, and that we are apart of that positive thinking. It’s when you don’t feel good about yourself, that it then becomes a problem for others to deal with or conceptualize, its like you are supposed to be that way, beneath others, and your misery should never be someone else’s happiness, and don’t enable it either, that’s never proper. So don’t let anyone make you second guess yourself, or waste time defending yourself in life like it’s your fault if they don’t like you or think poorly of you. You can be doing everything right and doing your best and someone can still have an issue with you in life, and take out all their discomforts on you. We are not insurance programs to manage the guilts of others, should they feel bad of how they have been mistreating you, and we don’t also have to let them win, or prove them right just to make them feel better. We also don’t have to argue and fight and prove them wrong, to make them feel bad about themselves either.
According to Blogger: Mark Manson, “We tolerate bad relationships for all sorts of reasons—maybe we have low self-esteem, maybe we’re not self-aware enough to realize what’s going on, maybe we don’t have a good handle on our emotions.” Don’t beat yourself up over it either. As perfectionists it can be extremely uncomfortable when someone is upset with you and you have to read into that upset, as though you are supposed to know why they are upset with you. Relationships do require some teamwork, but you are not responsible for all of a person’s emotions and thinking, that they have to work through on their own. Like anyone going through therapy, it’s what’s wrong with you, not others.
Ever notice that you just don’t jive with certain people, in most cases it takes getting to know a person, for you to feel close to people, so embrace that distance between you and others, that’s a healthy boundary that’s set between most people. If you feel like someone is encroaching on that boundary with expectation for closeness, it could just mean that they know you or notice you, and you don’t notice them or know who they are, and that’s were the better than you attitude comes from, ignore it. For example, “There is often conflict where one individual seeks to undermine the other, competition,” and this can occur especially between people who don’t “respect or support each other.” This can occur in situations where people know of you, and side with people from your life, thinking they are them, and from that position undermine you, or be derogatory toward you, as though you have intended harm to anyone from your life. This occurs especially when you have a past life. When others try to minimize or magnify the problems you do have, that is the platform from which they stand as above you, thinking that you are where you are in life, not successful on the basis of who you are or are not close to, and that’s not true. In a hierarchical society based on who is who, that may be the common denominator for treatment or mistreatment of you, what you have, who you know, and what you look like, sized up.
Being respected as an equal, or supporting opinion, means overcoming that view of you as a threat to their own truth in life, if theirs is a negative truth of you. Therefore, anytime you are doing well, you become bait for mistreatment, or negativity. Ever feel the opposite pressure occurring when you are doing well, that just means that you are not at your comfort level, because not everyone is on board, and you are not at peace, because someone doesn’t feel good when you are doing well and that’s jealously, it can be draining. A “bad relationship,” ultimately “can impact your self-esteem and have you walking on eggshells around the other person.” So its good to always have compassion for others, and recognize that everyone is in different places in life, and not to take it personally when someone is not happy for you, supportive, or empathetic to your concerns in life. In today’s age, it’s either everyone is apart of something going well, or everyone ignores you as though you are not the solution to their problems or concerns, people only feel good about you, if there is a benefit, so accept that much about others. The big idea is feeling good in life, and no one wants to feel bad because of who they know in life, or because of what someone says about them in life, be ignored by others, judgmental of them. So be careful when engaging in a toxic relationships, and do your best to part ways peacefully, without the unnecessary confrontation and psychoanalysis of what they have done wrong to you, and spare yourself the heartache of fighting. There’s peace in the silent treatment, it gets others to think about themselves and what they could be doing better, without aggravating the other sides in life to attack you on the basis of their discomforts in life, make it a problem for you to uncover and explain for them, read them.
