Two Way Street-Soul Keeping
As I write, classical jazz hums in the background. I’m in a coffee shop. I hear the singer say “New York, New York, New York.” My favorite. My mind starts to linger in it’s own direction – west – back to about a month ago. As many of you know, I started practicing the wait around the same time I began dating this summer. I’ll be completely honest with you, it seems that one of the main issues with it at the time was me having tunnel vision, only seeing it as something I wanted to do and overcome as a couple.
Couple is the key word here.Granted, I wanted to do it for just myself as well, but only until now am I focused on that aspect of it.
It was hard at first of course, temptations were high, and as much as I want to say they aren’t, they still are today. Although, something changed over the last week in me.
Maybe it was due to the whirlwind of emotions i’ve been going through in reaction to the many different things happening in my life at this moment, or for the simple reason of change. The rhyme and reason to God’s decisions for me had begun to come to light.
Take an experience that happened to me about a month ago. (The wait is still in full affect). During this time, God decided to bring back someone into my life. This certain someone was not necessarily a person I wanted to nor expect to come back into my life, honestly he was just placed back in.
This mysterious person was an ex of mine, a person who had actually hurt me very deeply in ways that made me resent him.It had been two years since we ended things. I was doing great, moved on, and also healed from the hurt he had left buried in my heart… or so i thought. It turns out, God thought otherwise.
He exposed me to the solemn truth; that I was not.At least, not all the way – not completely – not the way He intended me to be. More over, He showed me that it was time to forgive c o m p l e t e l y. Too naive to realize that emotional healing always does take the most time, and appears back right when you think its vanished.It came as a phone call.As soon as the phone rang and the name and number came up, I immediately asked God why?
Why did you bring this person back into my life?
At first, I couldn’t understand the reasoning behind it. All the heartbreak i had experienced from this person, and he’s back?
For anyone who has experienced a past lesson appear back into your life, it can be very confusing at first. It can make your partner doubt you or doubt your judgment and character. It can even make you do the same; that is.. only if you don’t listen. So what is there to do? Focus and listen.
I stopped, I listened and I surrendered my pride.That’s when I could hear him.
“You must forgive, but this time, forgive completely, for the sake of your self, it will be hard, but it will be worth your peace.”
Still confused, I listened. I did exactly as I was told.Believe it or not, after getting off the phone that night, an amazing joy flooded my body. Something I had never really felt or experienced before.
I understand now that it was god’s will, in order to make me fully healed and an even better person, even though I wasn’t consciously asking for it, God saw me loving in a way that wasn’t his way. Those situations are always the trickiest. I, my human self, did not even see why I was picking up the phone, but my faith self, my truest self, told me to listen;
Really stop and listen.
From experience, I know that’s the best thing to do, even if no one around you get’s it. Through this, he was allowing me to love as he loves and to forgive as he would. In no way am i perfect, nor will I ever be, but everyday I can try to live as if he is living through me, to love as he loves, and to spread the light he has awakened in me.